A Hot Mess

Hormones suck.  So does feeling like your brain is on fast-forward and the rest of the world is in slow-mo.  So do stressful, potentially-conflict-inducing conversations.  So does feeling misunderstood.  So does feeling alone and raw and confused.  And so does thinking you’re PMS-ing only to find out you’re 10-12 days away from menses so there is no good reason for you to feel like such a hot mess today.

Can I get an “amen”?

I’ll just throw it out there: Sometimes being a woman is a nuisance.  These raging hormones inside me cramp my style, man.

Now that I’ve got all that off my chest, I’d like to tell you about a pretty impactful part of my journey that has permeated the past three years of my life.

Hormones.  First it was pregnancy, then it was nursing, then it was readjusting to life and the hormonal inflections of a non-nursing, non-pregnant, menstruating-again 35-year-old body.  Then I turned 36 and was STILL trying to adjust to it all… and not succeeding.

I was drinking green smoothies every morning, eating good, wholesome, nutritionally-balanced meals, keeping an active lifestyle, spending daily time with God and having an attitude of gratitude.  I was trying my best to be as healthful and naturopathic as possible in my fight for sanity… but it simply wasn’t working.

I constantly felt empty, overwhelmed, anxious, and impulsive.  I felt like I was incapable of controlling my emotions, my thoughts, and my actions.

And then there was Prozac.

Which seemed to help for a month or so… but then, much to my surprise and horror, everything got even worse!  (Thus: no more Prozac for me!)

Try as I might, with the best intentions and God by my side and in my heart and even at the wheel— I simply couldn’t calm myself or find peace or any sense of tranquility until… FINALLY!  Praise God!  A friend helped me find an herbal supplement that has helped even out my hormonal inflections and has made a night and day difference with my ability to feel “normal” again.

For better or for worse: I’m ME again!!!!  Hallelujah!!!

I now no longer feel like I’m up in the clouds watching myself, pleading with myself to slow down and make wiser decisions.  I’m back down here in my actual body and mind, able to connect with Jesus, operate in peace, and use self-control and discernment and wisdom when faced with stressful decisions or relationships or crises.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m still a bit overly-passionate and I still dip into melancholy and I still make foolish, rash, no-good decisions sometimes… but for the most part those are just because I’m me and I’m sinful and selfish— not because I feel out-of-control in my mind.

Which is highly preferable to me.  (I’d much rather be in control of my sinful self than feel like I’m a helpless bystander in the drama of my life.)

So for the past 7-ish months I’ve been doing pretty darn good.  Normal again!

The only problem is that I forgot to take my herbal supplements regularly when I was on vacation last week… And then I forgot again the first 3 days after we got home…  And now I feel like a total whack-job.  This happened once before a few months ago and I finally figured out that it IS, in fact, the lack of this herbal supplement that is the kicker for me.  Darn it.  I wish I could just be my normal self without having to take a few herbal pills each day.

But now that it’s been proven a second time, I see that I really need to be diligent about this if I want to keep my wits about me.

And for the record: I am beyond glad that I found something to help me!!!  Because of this roller coaster journey I’ve been on for the past few years, I now have such a huge compassion for others battling Depression and Anxiety and other mental health challenges.  I can’t even put into words how much it sucks to feel out of control in your own mind.  To feel like you know you ought to be able to get a grip and show some restraint and act logically and maturely… but you just cannot do so.

Thank You, Jesus, for helping me find my way out of that pit I was in.  Thank You for guiding me and sticking by me and whispering Your truth to me through it all.  I know that even in my darkest times You are there.  You will never leave me nor forsake me— I know this is true.  I’ve lived the truth of this, Lord.  Thank You for giving me the courage to keep trying, and the tenacity to keep asking for help from my husband and my friends.  Thank You for the relationships and the wise people You have blessed me with in my life— and thank You for creating someone somewhere who knew enough about the human body and about certain plants in order to make and manufacture these little supplements I take.  It feels so silly to talk and write and pray about this, but You know what a very real and challenging journey this was for me.  So I thank You, Lord, and I ask You to encourage all those other folks out there who feel stuck or hopeless or useless due to something they are facing— please give them the comfort in knowing they are not alone, the courage to speak up and ask for help, and the persistence to keep on knocking on Your door until they find the peace they so desperately need.  Amen.

stained glass chaos

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What about you?

Have you ever dealt with Anxiety or Depression?  How did you find any hope or see God’s hand or face in the midst of it?

Please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences in the comment section below.


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