When You’re Sick of Being a Mess

For those of you who ever feel like this, I’m about to get really real:

I am so sick of being a mess.  I’m so tired of feeling like I just can’t seem to get my life together.  I’m weary of being overly emotional and over-sensitive and overly paranoid about being abandoned by friends, rejected by my loved ones, and all the many ways I am likely screwing up my kids because I am who I am.
Honestly?  I really wish I was perfect.  I know, I know: that is ridiculous.  It sounds asinine to say it out loud or to see it spelled out on the screen like this.  To add further silliness to this: I literally just watched a podcast yesterday about how important it is to let go of perfectionism So I know it’s ludicrous to hope for perfection!!!  Yet I do.  I don’t really have words to explain how very frustrated I get with myself for not being 100% wise and discerning and in tune with God 100% of the time.  I can’t stand it when I miss the mark and screw up.  Whether it’s just a little interpersonal communication mistake or a bona fide willful sin: either way, I have a hard time not heaping shame on myself for my mess-ups.
It’s high time I get over it, to tell you the truth.
God has spoken to me countless times about how important it is for me to listen to Him and His response to my screw-ups, rather than listen to naysayers, critics, or, worse, the ever-accusing voice inside my own head.
Yet here I am again, reeling from even the littlest personal “failure.”
Yesterday was a rough day.  It was one of those days when a kind-hearted friend asked me “How are you doing?” and, without even realizing something was wrong, I found myself sobbing and barfing all my personal insecurities and family drama on her.  And then again later in the day, I made the simplest mistake, not even a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but since I was in such an emotionally tender spot due to a bunch of other underlying issues in my head and heart– that “failure” wreaked more havoc on my psychological state than was necessary.
I’m a bit better today.  A good night’s sleep and time with Jesus this morning did me well.
But still.  Once again, I really need God to come in and do His magic on my broken, messed up self.  Once again, I need to stop and tune in to what is going on inside and allow Him the time and space to speak truth and to heal me.
my broken self
Yes, it’s as true now as it has ever been, folks:  I truly am a mess.
I’m sorry.  I wish I could be stronger, wiser, more mature, more capable of living my life in godliness and discernment.  But the truth is I am just me.  Just flawed, doing my best, bit-of-a-mess me.
Welcome, friends.

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What about you?

Do you struggle with perfectionism?  In what ways and under what circumstances do the “shame gremlins” (as Brené Brown calls them) haunt you?

Please feel free to share your comments or your own journey in the comment section below.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Angeli

    We all struggle with self doubt and recriminations. But when I find myself overly self-critical and I just can’t seem to stop walking on the edge of the “Why do I suck so much at life” cliff, I stop. I take a deep breath.

    And I recognize that the enemy is attacking me. And that I am listening to His lies. And then I realize that I am letting him talk to me this way. And then I go all prayer-warrior on his butt!

    I am thankful that Jesus has already won the war so that we may NOW walk in His victory. Due to the daily grind, I often times forget this simple fact. So when I feel really oppressed by my insecurities and short comings, I consciously turn away from the enemy and look to our Savior.

    And if I really feel emotionally stretched, ice cream and shoulders to cry on help too! 🙂

    You are a treasure first to those of us around you, Kristi. Your flaws are what make you the humble and wonderful person you are. Embrace them and love them the way everyone else does around you.

    • I love this. So so true, Angeli. Thank you for this truth and encouragement.

      It’s crazy how real those incriminations and false messages feel in the moment, though, huh? But you are right- they aren’t from God! I often have to turn to God-loving, prayerful friends when I’m REALLY stuck in the gunk– and ask them to pray with/for me and to remind me of Truth because I am having too hard a time discerning between God’s voice of hope and love and truth and the very true-seeming but insidious lies crowding my brain.

      Thank you for encouraging me and reminding me to make the conscious choice to see those lies for what they are and to refuse to pay heed to them.

      I appreciate you, Angeli! ?

  2. Michelle Borrero

    Awww, Kristi! Thank you for being so raw and truthful. I don’t find myself struggling with perfectionism ever (a lot of the time it is the opposite of that – I seem to think that it doesn’t matter how I show up, but sometimes that can come off as being too insensitive and unaware of how I may impact others, in a negative way).

    Although my struggle may look a little different, I have reached a point in my life where some of my worries are the same – losing friends, my interactions with my kids, etc.

    Thank God for each new day and for those moments when we get to renew our mind and thoughts. I am thankful that I have prayer and I try to remember that God is always working on us and bringing new people and situations in our lives. We are constantly given opportunities to change and grow in our faith.

    As they say, our largest moments of growth happen we we are on our knees and we surrender!

    Hang in there sister! We are all in this together!

    Oh, and if we were all perfect, this life would be boring and robotic. Always look for the humor in the mess! Sending love and gratitude!

    Michelle

    • Thank you for sharing, Michelle! I agree: “our largest moments of growth happen we we are on our knees and we surrender!”
      I am so glad to have smart, wise friends around me to remind me of truth. Thank you!

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