For those of you who ever feel like this, I’m about to get really real:
I am so sick of being a mess. I’m so tired of feeling like I just can’t seem to get my life together. I’m weary of being overly emotional and over-sensitive and overly paranoid about being abandoned by friends, rejected by my loved ones, and all the many ways I am likely screwing up my kids because I am who I am.
Honestly? I really wish I was perfect. I know, I know: that is ridiculous. It sounds asinine to say it out loud or to see it spelled out on the screen like this. To add further silliness to this: I literally just watched a podcast yesterday about how important it is to let go of perfectionism
. So I know it’s ludicrous to hope for perfection!!!
Yet I do. I don’t really have words to explain how very frustrated I get with myself for not being 100% wise and discerning and in tune with God 100% of the time. I can’t stand it when I miss the mark and screw up. Whether it’s just a little interpersonal communication mistake or a bona fide willful sin: either way, I have a hard time not heaping shame on myself for my mess-ups.
It’s high time I get over it, to tell you the truth.
God has spoken to me countless times about how important it is for me to listen to Him and His response to my screw-ups, rather than listen to naysayers, critics, or, worse, the ever-accusing voice inside my own head.
Yet here I am again, reeling from even the littlest personal “failure.”
Yesterday was a rough day. It was one of those days when a kind-hearted friend asked me “How are you doing?” and, without even realizing something was wrong, I found myself sobbing and barfing all my personal insecurities and family drama on her. And then again later in the day, I made the simplest mistake, not even a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but since I was in such an emotionally tender spot due to a bunch of other underlying issues in my head and heart– that “failure” wreaked more havoc on my psychological state than was necessary.
I’m a bit better today. A good night’s sleep and time with Jesus this morning did me well.
But still. Once again, I really need God to come in and do His magic on my broken, messed up self. Once again, I need to stop and tune in to what is going on inside and allow Him the time and space to speak truth and to heal me.
Yes, it’s as true now as it has ever been, folks: I truly am a mess.
I’m sorry. I wish I could be stronger, wiser, more mature, more capable of living my life in godliness and discernment. But the truth is I am just me. Just flawed, doing my best, bit-of-a-mess me.
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What about you?
Do you struggle with perfectionism? In what ways and under what circumstances do the “shame gremlins” (as Brené Brown calls them) haunt you?
Please feel free to share your comments or your own journey in the comment section below.