When You Have So Much to Say (So You Just Keep Quiet Instead)
Do you ever have so much going on inside your heart and head that, even though you desperately want to process through it with other people, you simply cannot find the words to even know where to begin?
Do you ever want so much to talk about all that is going on in your life, all that is troubling you or challenging you or even inspiring and uplifting you… yet you simply cannot figure out how to go about doing so because it’s all so fresh and raw and complicated… and the thought of attaching words to it all seems completely daunting?
Have you found yourself in a silent spell? Maybe you’ve withdrawn from community because you’re either afraid of what others will think of you or you’re just afraid of not being able to stop yourself once you start talking about all that is on your heart? Do you ever just think to yourself “It’s probably best if I just keep quiet about everything. No one needs to hear about all my drama anyway.”
That’s where I’ve been for the past several weeks. I have started about 12 different blog posts and gotten the gist of my thoughts on paper and then, every single time, I look back on the words I’ve written and thought to myself “No… that’s not right.” Or “No… It’s more than that. This doesn’t even come close to adequately explaining what I’m learning in that particular area.” Sometimes I’ve held back from continuing the writing process because I can’t find a way to get even remotely concise in my communication. I am desperate to talk about all God is teaching me, desperate to hash it out with my friends and my readers… yet I don’t even know where to begin. And I can’t stand when I ramble on seemingly aimlessly— either in real-life conversation or on the page. It seems like such a waste of someone’s time to ask them to bother listening to me or to read my words when it’s all so jumbled up and unfocused. (Like right now.)
I want to say something worthwhile, for goodness’ sake! The last thing I want is to just add to the noise and chaos that is plaguing our society at the moment. Lord knows there’s enough meaningless noise out there to last us an eternity. No thanks.
So I’ve just kept quiet.
I’ve got an insane amount of stuff bogging up my heart and mind and I’ve got so much I want to share about all God is teaching me and talking to me about… but I have no idea where to start.
So I’ve just stopped even trying.
I’ve pulled back from my husband and from my close friends and I’ve even stopped attempting to write (even privately) about any of it. Which, for some people, might not be a big deal. But for me, due the way I am wired, this has created an even bigger problem.
Unfortunately for me, it seems to be that I have simply been designed in such a way that I’ve GOT to get my thoughts into word form— either on paper or in conversation with a real live human— or else I feel lost, anxiety-ridden, and even psychologically Depressed. I’ve GOT to be able to hash out my thoughts via the written or spoken word in order to feel like a whole person.
And when I don’t, everything inside me starts to get dark. Much darker than I am comfortable with.
Which is really not good for me, for my family, or for anyone else around me. You see, when I keep silent like this, when my fingers aren’t typing and my deep conversations are too few and far between, my depressive tendencies just get out of control. And I can’t stand for that anymore.
Even though it might sound dramatic to say this, the truth is (from what I can tell) my whole world is better (including all my most precious people) if I am doing what I’ve been wired to do.
So here is what I’m going to do:
Even though I really don’t know where to begin or quite how to say what I want to say… I’m just going to do it anyway. I’m going to continue tuning into God and wrestling with whatever He’s working on in me. And I’m going to follow His lead and put my brave on once again. And I’m going to start writing again. Even if no one else reads it and even if it doesn’t resonate with a single other soul. I’ve just got to get this all out of me.
And I need to stop worrying about whether or not I can say it “the right way” or whether or not how I communicate any of it “does it justice.”
And also: I’m going to stop overanalyzing everything. I’m going to stop worrying about whether I ought to start by tackling “the big issues” first or whether I ought to start small and then build up to the really tender, hard topics. I just need to get some of this stuff inside me out there.
For my own sanity.
So I’m going to write again, y’all. I’m going to write about how intense God’s love is, and about how much my heart is breaking for the division in our country right now, and about how crappy and oppressive Depression is, and about how hard it is to balance “being real” with wisdom and restraint. I’m going to write about a silly date I had at the local pizza joint with my husband last weekend and I’m going to write about how destructive isolation is. I’m going to dive into the importance of “discovering ourselves” and I’m also going to talk about how ridiculously extravagant God’s grace is. I’m going to talk about how my One Word for 2017 is not what I hoped it was going to be and I’m going to attempt to revisit the discussion I started (and then took down) regarding the impact of “labels” in my life.
I’m just going to start somewhere, you guys. Because this silence is not cultivating anything great in me.
Some of these posts aren’t going to blow your mind. Some are going to be unfocused and not well-written. Some are going to be too complicated no matter how much I try to pare it down to have one general “point.” Others might be so simple and elementary that you’ll wonder why I even bothered putting words to it.
But I just can’t keep my mouth closed and my fingers still any longer. I can’t keep living in silent fear because I am afraid others will think I’m an idiot or that I’m arrogant or that I’m overly spiritual or that I’m too simple-minded. I just can’t listen to all that mind chatter anymore.
You know what I mean?
It’s time, you guys. It’s time for me to get over myself and over my fears and just live out my life in the way that I have been crafted by God to live it out.
Alright? Okay. Here we go.
I’ll see you back here real soon. 🙂
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What about you?
Do you ever find yourself staying silent because you just don’t even know where to begin with all that you’ve got going on in your life and in your heart? Are you desperate for true, intimate communication with the people you love but you don’t know where to start?
Please share your journey in the comment section below.